Relationships require work, happiness does not.

It's amazing how much things can change in a year.  Last year at this time, I was driving around in Chris's brand new jeep, finishing up last minute Christmas shopping, and thinking that there was still a chance my marriage would work out in my favor.  This year, I wouldn't be caught dead driving that jeep with a certain bright yellow sticker on it.  This year, I've come to accept that I have no marriage.  We're still technically married, but this has not been a marriage for almost 2 years... and really much longer than that when I think long and hard about it, which I don't allow myself to do anymore.  It's over.

A friend sent me a quote tonight that really speaks to me and where I'm at in this process right now.

"It feels amazing when you finally realize that you no longer need or want the person who walked away from you."

People have told me all along that I would get to this point, that I'm strong, that I deserve better, that one day I would thank him for walking away first.  Those were always just "the things people say to make you feel better."  They were right.  

When this process started, he not only broke my heart, but he also stole my smile.  I LOVED HIM.  I was comfortable with my life, this is all I knew.  It was safe and it worked.  How could I be happy without him?  I've come to realize that my "happy" wasn't so happy after all.  I fought so hard to hold onto what I thought was my happiness - my marriage - him - only to realize that this thing I had come to know as happiness, it was really just me trying to make someone else happy.  And this person that I had worked so hard to make happy, he wasn't even happy!  And what's more... he didn't even appreciate the fact that I was working that hard to make him happy.   I deserve someone to work that hard for me. In fact, no one should have to WORK to be happy.  Relationships require work.  Happiness does not!  It takes YOU.

He is not responsible for your happiness.  You WILL learn how to smile again, and it won't be one of those fake smiles that you've gotten to know so well without even realizing it.  It will be a smile that makes you feel warm inside.  A smile that can repair that broken heart of yours piece by piece.  A smile that someone else will eventually fall in love with.  It's okay for you to be happy.  It's okay to be selfish.  It's okay to NOT put your happiness aside for the sake of someone else.   You won't truly move on until you realize these things.

Back to that bright yellow sticker I mentioned at the start of this blog... I'll explain just how important that sticker is to me in the next one.  ;)

It's not much, but it's me

I, in no way, think that my experiences in life have been more meaningful than yours.  I've simply been told that I have a way of pinpointing that exact emotion, that feeling in the spur of the moment, and putting every bit of it into words that leave you nodding your head in agreement and remembering a time in your life when you felt exactly that same way.  I've always enjoyed writing - poems, thoughts, memories.  Most of these have been kept to myself, because my writing is personal.  It's real.  It speaks to me.

Currently, I'm a separated mom of two, in the process of re-creating and finding myself.  "Adult Tara" has never known an "adult life" without being someone's wife, someone's mom, someone's something.  Today, I write as just me.  I'm learning how to be just 'someone' and not 'something to someone.'  Many of my friends find themselves on this same road and if the power of my words can help them, I can hope to help you as well.  We can walk this road together.

I leave you with my feelings for this day.  It's amazing when you finally find yourself on the other side of the fence in the middle of a divorce.  It's an empowering feeling, knowing that this person no longer holds so much power over your emotions.  

He had changed me.  I knew I was scarred for life.  This kind of hurt leaves a mark.  What I didn't know was how long it would take that scar to heal.  Every time I saw him, it was like someone had peeled back the scab on an old wound.  The sharp pain cutting through to my very core, making me question again who I once was and who I thought I had become.  This time was different.  This time, I saw him for what he was - perhaps for what he always had been.  A friend.